The Challenge Of Your Life Will Be To Hold On To Yourself

I’ve spent a lifetime finding myself. Maybe the problem is that I keep losing what I’ve found.

You will find yourself many times — in the words of a book or song, in a photograph, in a reflection on the water, in the corner of your lover’s smile, in your own stillness, in your breath. You will find pieces of yourself in foreign lands, in languages and flavors your tongue can’t hold.

Trust me, you will.

But can you hold on to those pieces? Can you combine them into a picture you can see clearly in the dark? Can you hold your whole? Or, will you be left holding onto a fragment at a time?

Not what you’ve been. Not every version that you could be. But the most true, raw, vulnerable, version of yourself. The version that holds your love above your fear.

And it will be so, so hard. Because there are so many versions of you that you can be. Like hats, you will try them all on, and you will wear a few for far too long. And the world is full of rules and systems to keep you down, to take parts of you away. But eventually, the you that needs to be held onto will come crying out, begging for a place in your arms.

All of you, your potential, your greatest chance to thrive. And that’s what makes holding on to yourself so scary. What if you hold on to yourself and you fail? Have you failed at being yourself? Have you failed your destiny?

What greater vulnerability is there than to put the best of your soul into the world and hope the world accepts it? There is none, really. And you will likely come out raw and scarred. But you must do it. Your soul, blood, skin, and bones will be at war until you do.

And, at the end of the day, there’s nothing more valuable to hold on to than yourself. There’s no greater gift you can give yourself, and the world, than this.

**(also, spoiler alert: you can’t fail at being yourself)**

I think it’s the delicate space in-between. The space where you can find the self you may have buried, or lost, and give it the room and love it needs to grow. If you can live in this space, you will have the joy that comes from living a life that is always your own dream. But, you must hold on to yourself and let go of your fear.

You see, I’ve found myself time and time again in these words. When I close my eyes they run through me. Here, to you.

Here, I found myself and you supported me in it.
Here, I shared the “weird” parts of myself and you were weird with me.
You’ve held me and my words and given me pieces of your heart in return.

But, to be honest, I filled my arms with fear and couldn’t hold the hearts you so fearlessly gave me. I was left with just the weight, and I hid under it. And in letting go of your hearts, I stopped holding onto myself.

This year, I’ve been lost. Floating between different versions of myself. Catching glances of myself in the corner of my eye, but never holding on. Over the past few months, I sat down with the challenge of holding onto myself. And you, without knowing it, helped me. I came back here, read my own words, read your replies, and found the peace I had in being open. The belief that I could make a living sharing these words and there are people, beautiful people — just like you, that would listen and celebrate them with me.

By letting these words flow. I will be self-publishing a book in April. And I will be sharing and making room to hold onto your fearless hearts, too.

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